Blog: How to be assertive without being aggressive
“The only healthy communication style is assertive communication” says Jim Rohn
Being assertive is one of the most essential skills for everyone and especially so for leaders. Yet it is one of the scantily observed qualities in most people. Very often being aggressive is misconstrued as being assertive. It is a very thin line that separates assertiveness and aggression. Courage to express difference is at the core of assertiveness and an inflated sense of superiority and indifference to others’ sentiments is at the core of aggressive communication.
How do we learn to grasp and assimilate the subtle difference between the two? Assertive communication starts with assertive speaking techniques and assertive leadership training. Enhancement in the ability of accepting constructive criticism is another one of the many benefits of assertive communication.
Let us explore some of the rules of assertive communication and understand the difference between arrogance vs confidence.
Not being silent when you have to speak up – Silence as a method of conflict avoidance is very often adopted in situations that require speaking up. In real life, we are the only spokesperson we have for ourselves. Keeping quiet when you have to express your opinion or difference of opinion will only make you resentful. The resentment would later pour out as anger and rude words which is insensitive behaviour and can come across as aggressive.
Being humble -The assertiveness you exhibit should be coming out of a place of humility. It should not be a sense of superiority that you feel gets expressed as words. Always be open to the fact that you could also be wrong in certain things and that it is perfectly valid for others to have a different opinion from you. Assertiveness comes from acknowledging the validity of others’ opinions and emotions and at the same time confidently expressing your dissent without being sanctimonious.
Focus on facts and not assumptions – Be brief and stick to facts if you want to be assertive. Your arguments and opinions lose steam the moment you dilute it with assumptions and imagination. The truthfulness is what makes your words become authoritative. The courage of conviction is an important ingredient in assertiveness.
Do not make it about them and take responsibility for your response – ‘I feel I am correct in saying this!’ sounds better than ‘You are wrong to think that’. ‘We should try a new vendor this year!’ sounds better than ‘It is unwise of you to continue with the old one’. The latter statements sound accusatory and make the comment centred around the other person and sounds like avoidance of taking accountability for your statement. Yet again, it goes on to tell us how important it is to own up to your opinion and your right to stand up for it.
Learning to say no without guilt or hesitation – We have discussed this in an earlier blog of mine too. It is absolutely legitimate to say no when you want to refuse or deny something. On most occasions you don’t have to explain yourself or feel guilty about having your ‘No’ either. The ability to say a no in a situation that warrants it, is your first step to assertiveness. To please people, or to avoid conflict and out of pure guilt and lack of self-worth we often agree to many things which we need not agree to. A polite ‘No’ is assertiveness without aggression.
Take time to respond and prepare responses – Responding and not reacting is a vital route to being assertive. When you react to a stimulus, it would not be well thought out. The lack of conviction would project itself as aggression and arrogance. When you ponder over and give a calculated response you have the option of conveying it assertively. You are then sending forth a well thought out clear factual piece of communication and your conviction shines through it.
Try not to bring in emotions – Communication and dissenting ones at that especially is best conveyed in a matter-of-fact manner. Appealing even subtly to emotions dilutes your assertiveness. When you use emotions, you should understand that the same could be used as a weapon against you too which you might find hard to stand up against. When you need to bring across clarity to your conviction it is best done sticking to facts in a matter-of-fact way. Lack of emotions does not mean being rude or aggressive. It just means that you don’t want to exploit your or the other person’s emotions to score a win.
Use appropriate body language to match the responses and mood – More often than not, especially in face-to-face interactions, cues from your body language creates more impact than the words you speak. What you say has as much impact as how you say it. Being honest, looking a person in the eye and being calm and composed while speaking in an even tone sends out the right signal to the listener. Fidgeting with your limbs, pacing around, avoiding eye contact, hesitancy in speaking etc. gives the impression of diffidence and makes your opinion and words sound insipid and non-authoritative.
Be specific and direct in communication – There is no need for sugar coating your words in communicating assertively. You need to state clearly what you intend to convey and not beat around the bush. You don’t have to hide your dissent surreptitiously inside hollow niceties. If you have an expected outcome from the conversation that too has to be stated clearly. You cannot let the other person wonder what the point was or keep it open to different interpretations. Assertive communication doesn’t leave the listener with the responsibility of excavation of the core message through a long-winded meandering monologue. Being concrete and specific is at the core of good communication.
Do not be accusatory but give respect to the other person’s feelings – while dragging in emotions is a strict no-no in assertive communication, one must not however ignore the need to be sensitive. Being accusatory or blame shifting should not be your agenda. Your target should be getting across the point and steering the situation towards your desired outcome in a sensitive and productive way.
Do not take things personally when they are not meant to be – The aggression of tone and words come in when you take others opinion on things personally. What has helped me in my personal and professional life is that I do not take what people say as a reflection of myself but a reflection of them and the space they are in. Opinions of others are just that. You have no duty or responsibility to change what people think as that clearly is not what you are in reality. When you have that conscious indifference towards negative opinions of people, your communication automatically becomes objective and assertive.
As the new year approaches, it is always time to sit back and take stock about how you can improve yourself to face the challenges that the year is sure to bring. Behaviour management is one of the practical ways to improve your confidence. If you are looking for some help in preparing yourself or your team to be goal and plan oriented in the approach to life or looking at equipping yourselves to lead a smarter life with any kind of soft skill coaching, do write to us at harish@harishrao.world to know how we can help you with it. We would love to work with you on this or any other business coaching needs you may have!