Blog: The very important art of saying NO

A primer on learning to not say ‘ YES’ when you should be saying ‘NO’!!!…

Warren Buffet very famously said “The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything. What a powerful thought!

Right from our early childhood one thing we have been told is to be agreeable and nice. The direct impact of it is that, even as adults it is quite tough for most of us to say ‘No’ to almost anything. Saying no is often considered a sign of revolt, disagreement or at least a generally unpleasant response to have.

So we end up taking up responsibilities we do not want to take, we go to places and meet people we have no interest in meeting, spend time doing things we do not particularly like and commit to things we dislike doing. We even end up eating and drinking things which we do not want, just to be perceived as agreeable.

Eventually we project the resultant irritation as resentment towards people who we think is the reason for us to feel miserable. We also end up getting irritated at ourselves for not being able to extricate ourselves out of such situations. I am sure a lot of you would be vigorously nodding your head when you read that. Most of us excel at this skill of saying yes! But why is it so difficult to say no? There are a million reasons.

How can I offend her?
Who will help them if I say no?
If they asked me to come, it means I am important to them!
If they ask me to do it, it means they think highly of my capabilities!
Oh such nice people. How can I say no to them?
It is such an awesome organization. Doing this for them even for free is a privilege
They would think I am too poor/stingy/too rich/ entitled if I said no
I say no and what if it is an interesting job/ party/business offer/travel/opportunity that I end up missing
They would think I am a boring/anti social/difficult/non cooperative/fussy/unkind/stupid person

Quite a few reasons are covered here. There could be many more too. The interesting thing here is that almost all of these reasons spring from ‘someone else’ at the core and our assumption of what that ‘someone else’ would think of us when we refuse something. We are giving our needs, our priorities, our health – mental and physical – a back seat when we do this.

It takes a lot of conscious effort and training to get better at the art of saying no. It is a long road to success but all progress is good progress. It is easier to say no when we are convinced that it is ok to do so. Here are some clear and logical reasons to help us with our no and why we should use it liberally.

We don’t have to be liked by everybody – Being liked by everyone is no one’s expectation out of us but our own requirement. Not everyone would like us either, no matter what we do or how well we do. Very few people would like us even for a short while. Learning to deal with that fact is the first step. We can’t assume all people who say they like us, actually like us either. But the good thing is it doesn’t matter a bit for our existence if we are liked or not. The relevant question is ‘Do we like ourselves?’ ‘Do we like it when we are able to stand up for what is good for us?’ If yes, that is what helps us sleep better. We can say as many No’s as we please.
We could fall out of favor even if we say yes – Most often, after agreeing for something, we are exasperated, irritated and resentful in the process of keeping up with what we committed to do. This would certainly affect the quality of our engagement with what we do and eventually we would fall out of grace anyway and probably be worse off than had we stuck to our guns with a No. The fact is most people actually respect us more and do not mind a refusal of something, if it is conveyed firmly and assertively without aggression. People who set boundaries might be irritating at the onset but understood and appreciated in the long run.
We don’t have to ‘soften the blow’– This is a very subtle thing most of us do. For eg: someone makes a sales proposition to us for something we don’t need. The salesperson is good, courteous, in need of our business and we feel bad for them. So instead of saying a simple “Sorry, I don’t need it!” , we end up saying “Sorry I don’t need it. In case things change I shall get back to you and maybe you can send me the details by mail anyway and yeah perhaps contact me a month later?!!” We say that to soften our no. A no is a word that can stand by itself and there is no duty to explain, justify or try to make it more palatable. So if one doesn’t want to go shopping with a particular friend because she is a fussy shopper, then the best thing is to say “No! I can’t come!” Not, “I can’t come today, let’s see next week!” Then we end up having the prospect of dealing with the discomfort of it again next week. Exactly like the salesman who is going to contact us every month. The cardinal rule here is “Do not promise hope where you have none to offer.”
We can say a gracious and polite ‘NO’ without being rude: Many think that the only way to say no is by being confrontational, aggressive and rude. This is not so at all. The tone and words chosen can make all the difference. Being positive and sympathetic about the refusal of request, while being firm about our stand is the key here. Also brevity of refusal in place of long winded explanations is certainly more effective and easier to accept. “I wish I could, but I rather not take up something I can’t find time for!” or “It does sound interesting, but I don’t think it is my field of expertise. Wish you all the best in your endeavors!” rings honest, forthright and to the point.

It will be useful to remember that our yes to someone or something should never be by saying no to ourselves and our time. Write to us at harish@harishrao.world to learn more on how to be successful and make optimal use of capabilities in life and in leadership roles.