Blog: Doing away with guilt
Shakespeare said “The mind of guilt is full of scorpions”. Yes! Scorpions that sting you relentlessly till you pull them out and throw them out far away.
Guilt is usually experienced for two things- It is anger directed at ourselves at something we did or at something we did not do. It is always about the ‘could have been’. Things we could have done to avoid a certain outcome or things we could have avoided doing to avoid a certain outcome. A feeling of guilt could be justified in certain cases but in most cases, it is misplaced. Even in cases where the sign of guilt arises from a wrongful deed or word from you, there is nothing much you can do that will reverse the situation.
At best you can apologize genuinely and move on without drowning in the debilitating feeling, if you want to safeguard your mental health. One of the biggest struggles for a modern human is to learn how to get out of the vicious trap of guilty feelings. Like everyone I too have grappled with many scenarios where I felt immobile with a sense of drowning guilt. A lot of reading, learning conflict resolution skills, mindfulness meditation, self-care routine and introspection helped me overcome the physical signs of guilt and learn how to forgive myself. Let me take you through some of the reasons that triggers the guilt and tips for controlling emotions:
Guilt arising from Imposter Syndrome – Imposter Syndrome is the feeling that makes you think you are not qualified or competent enough to do the responsibilities you have been entrusted with. It has at its core, a feeling of lacking abilities and fear of disappointing people who trust you because you think you were entrusted with responsibilities way more than you think you are capable of handling. As difficult as it is to believe, it is a feeling that plagues a lot of people, often high achieving ones. The result of this feeling is guilt and the only way to push this out of the system is a serious effort at introspection and writing down your capabilities and going through them purposefully. The effort must be to cement the idea that you are where you are because of your abilities and that it is not a product of someone’s sympathy or kindness.
Feeling guilty about being happy – This guilt is largely connected to the previous one. You feel that you are not entitled to the happiness that you experience, most probably because you think it is illicitly gained. There is also the supplementary feeling of guilt when you see a lot of people suffering and unhappy. It triggers you to think that you have no business of being happy when so many in the world are unhappy or in misery. Here again, you should learn to disassociate yourself, your efforts and achievements from the rest of the world and gracefully embrace happiness. The fact that so many people are unhappy is the singular reason why you should feel grateful for your bounty.
Feeling guilty about others’ misery – There is a feeling of guilt associated with seeing others in your close circle in poor situations or in misery when you know that they put in as much effort as you to succeed. The element of luck is grossly undervalued here. While you can help them to feel better about themselves or assist them in whichever way you can, the feeling of guilt about your success is unwarranted. It is precisely the good fortune of yours that would help you in helping them and hence not the reason for feeling guilty.
Replacing ‘I have to’ and ‘I should’ with ‘I want to’ – A lot of things in life are done by us with a ‘I have to do it’ attitude. In such a case when you are not able to see it through or fail in it, there is an overarching feeling of guilt. However, if you do your job, your chores and fulfill your responsibilities with a feeling of purpose and with a mindset of ‘I want to do this, hence I am doing it’ then even if you fail in it, you would only look at it as a learning experience. You do not feel bad about disappointing others or even yourself.
Forgiving yourself – To err is human. How easily you forgive friends or family who make mistakes even if they impact us negatively. The same large heartedness however is missing in us when we deal with ourselves. Most of us are quite hard on ourselves and quite unforgiving. Forgiving yourself is a building block for a guilt free happy life. When we say to err is human, it should include your errors as well. While complacency is not a positive attitude in case of mistakes made, guilt is not either.
Feel gratitude – Gratitude chases the feeling of guilt away. The thought that things could be much worse, you could have done worse and a lot of others are not as lucky as you is a feeling that would fill in you with a sense of deep gratitude. Where gratitude rules, unhappiness and guilt have no space to breed.
Use mistakes and failure as learning lessons – Mistakes and failures are part of life. Even the best of people have failed in things which could be unfathomable for some of us. But what differentiates successful people is the fact that they do not wallow in a sense of victimhood or guilt. They take the failure as a learning lesson and do better next time and the next time.
Take help from mental health professionals – All the introspection on earth and self-help books might not help sometimes. One should not hesitate seeking help from mental health professionals to tide over the situation. They are trained to talk you out of it and help you see the bright side of life. All problems in life sometimes cannot be handled by you single handedly. There is no shame associated with seeking help. Sometimes even your friends and well-wishers might not be the right sources to approach. If you had an ailment of the body and it doesn’t sort itself out in a reasonable amount of time, you would not hesitate going to a doctor. It is the same approach that we should have towards feelings that affect mental health as well.
As the new year approaches, it is always time to sit back and take stock about how you can improve yourself to face the challenges that the year is sure to bring. Improving behavioral skills is one of the practical ways to improve your confidence. If you are looking for some help in preparing yourself or your team through professional development programs, or you want to read through more self-improvement articles, do write to us at harish@harishrao.world to know how we can help you with it. We can also help you understand the importance of the power of positive self-talk and the importance of self-analysis. We would love to work with you on this or any other business coaching needs you may have!