Blog: How to avoid the "nice guy syndrome"

Read on to find why obsessing over being nice is a kind of self-sabotage that keeps you from being successful…

Mohammed Ali held the love of, and for the world tenderly in his strong hands. He was a nice guy, if there was ever one. Yet, he made this interesting statement not very much in favour of niceness: “At home I am a nice guy; but I don’t want the world to know. Humble people, I’ve found, don’t get very far”

This is something that has intrigued me often. When I ask people around me what their legacy should be, most people give me vague answers around it. Most often, they are not clear about what that means nor have they pondered upon it properly.

Legacy is something you end up leaving behind as evident signs of what you achieved because of having followed your inner calling, vision or passion in life.

Instead of that, most people confuse legacy with memories or perceptions about them left behind for others to ruminate on after they die. Legacy according to them is an accumulation of goodwill amassed by them by being nice! Evidently, the latter crowd has adopted the shallower interpretation without much substance. So, I took it upon myself to christen them as the ones afflicted with the Nice Guy Syndrome!

Why did I do this? I believe that a person with clarity of vision invariably tends to be successful and in turn, wants to leave a worthwhile legacy. Some people may still need help in defining their path. Once the path is defined, they tend to be extremely successful.

It is indeed a big question that all of us face very often in life. Being perceived nice has always held a huge premium in people’s hearts. I would not say in people’s minds because these are people who have not analysed their beliefs threadbare in their minds. They have let emotions take charge and decide on ‘who’ they are supposed to be. We are always torn between the need to be nice and the need to be successful. Very often people choose being nice not because of an inner urge to be nice but because it is the EASY WAY OUT!

Can’t being nice as well as successful go hand in hand?

Yes, it can. But it comes with a caveat!

You can be both if you are not being nice at the cost of following the more arduous path towards success. Being nice can be a by-product. It cannot be the goal.

“Let me do this so that I am perceived nice” should not be the course you take.

“Let me do this because it is challenging, utilizes my skills and helps me succeed and get ahead in life. If I can do it being nice, that would be great. But I would not halt or impede my progress just to be considered nice!”

Also, being genuinely nice and trying to be perceived nice are way different from each other

A successful person is someone who:

Has a vision
Follows their dreams
Sets goals
Writes down their goals
Visualizes their goals
Commits towards achieving their goals
Takes action to move in the direction of their vision and goals
Knows that the journey is their own. They realize that they will be joined by other people from time to time on this journey when the beliefs intersect.
Is happy doing all the above things that he is doing towards achieving success and having a purpose of life

You must be wondering why the word “wealth” is not mentioned anywhere in this narrative. Almost always success is defined in its narrower sense of the word which is material wealth. That is one more reason that the Nice Guy Syndrome evangelists consider the word success as obscene and heartless. I believe that when you work hard on your vision and goals, wealth will automatically follow. The success that one manages with just wealth generation as their goal can only be mediocre at best and, in all probability, short lived. It is only when one takes up a mission in life which engages all their skills, they can aspire to attain all-round success, joy and have a purposeful life.

Perhaps, it would be easier to get rid of the nice guy syndrome and the compulsive need to be the nice guy if you got to know the root of the word ‘nice’. Interestingly it is nothing that the present world interprets it as!

In old French “Nice” means Foolish, stupid, senseless.

In Latin it means even worse – Careless, clumsy, weak, poor, needy, simple, stupid, silly, foolish.

What are some of the easy tricks to not fall into the trap of Nice Guy Syndrome?

Ignoring the urge for pleasing people – People who matter will always like you, no matter what. People who don’t like you would remain so even after your best efforts. There is never going to be a 100% win there. Accept that. Move on!
Internalize that success is not a dirty word – Success achieved by honest means is yours to enjoy entirely. All the benefits and help that accrued from the outside world would have been useless if you did not have the inclination and skill to use it properly. You did it and the fruits are for you to enjoy. Being wealthy and successful is nothing to be shameful about.
Choose what feels right over what feels good – First path is fraught with difficulties and second one is a bed of roses. It is easy to be perceived as nice by people around you. But does that make you happy and fulfilled? ‘Not really’ would be the answer. Being creditworthy and earning self-respect in your own eyes is the only sure way to lasting happiness.
Nice guys finish last– How many times in our life do we hear ‘Nice guy finish last!’ Somehow in spite of that many people like to keep ‘finishing last’ as a badge of honour. They believe that finishing last is their proof of being nice.
Do what YOU love to do, and not what others would love to see you do – The aspirations, goals, mission and vision should be yours and only yours. Not replicated from someone or assumed to work for you eventually because it worked for them. See things from your point of view, make your own assessments and choose what is beneficial to you.

So, please think twice before classifying yourself as a nice person. Watch it when somebody says that you are a nice person. You would rather be known as successful!

If you are looking for some help on learning how to be a successful entrepreneur rather than an ‘also ran’ business person, do write to us at harish@harishrao.world to know how we can help you with it. We would love to work with you on this or any other business coaching needs